i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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