Just mADE A PArabola og urine
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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