My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
