Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize