Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
