I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Damn victory sex feels great
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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