Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
