so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
