So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
