Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
