I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
two words: eviction party
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
