kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
