You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
