you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
