Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
