i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
