Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
