I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
