White coat. Heels.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
