careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
