i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
