Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
