Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize