Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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