Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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