the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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