I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
