Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
