my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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