I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
