if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
