a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you inspire me to be a worse person
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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