I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
