I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
