Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
