Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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