Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
