Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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