Someone shit on the floor
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
