he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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