man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
