It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
