You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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