There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
