then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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