how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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