You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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