I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
