Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
