He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
