I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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