I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
