just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
