You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Vodka?
Forever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
