i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
