Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
