all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
