Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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