Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
