My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
