My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Randomize
