Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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