I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
