OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
