I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
