Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
