nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize