dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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